.: Oxymoronic :.

To Be Continued

I guess it's time for me to do it.

Time for me to try things on my own.

Let go.

Grow.

Take on a higher mountain.

Swim to the open shore.

I don't want greener grass. I want a flower garden.

Throw away the old.

Get something brand new.

It's time.

I am new.

I am spinning around.

I am going to change.

I am leaving.

I am going to change.

I am going to change...

Time Out. Recess.

Yield.

To be continued...

...elsewhere.

In Cebu and Wants to Change the World

It is my fifth day here in Cebu and it's a Saturday. Wonder why I didn't go out to check the night scene here on weekends and decided to torture myself in the confines of the Internet Cafe? You probably might think that I'm such a dependent on the web. It is correct, to an extent but it has reasons. One, I don't have friends in here whom I would hang out with. I didn't get a message from my former sup Dell who happens to live here already. Kat is in Negros and won't be able to swing by. Gary hasn't replied to my messages (maybe she changed numbers). Two, there's nothing to be seen here anyway. I'm not a party-goer and I would prefer a weekend alone. Besides, that's not what I came here for. Three, I need to be online to check out my friends and probably get a free psychiatric consultation. Four, this update.

As mentioned, I've been here for five days. What has happened in that period of time? In summation, almost nothing to say that I am ready to go home. I'm halfway my vacation/jobhunt and every minute counts. My pursuit of work here in the city is becoming unlikely. Maybe you're confused as to why I am looking for a job here. No, I have not left my job in Manila and I'm very very happy with what I'm doing at the moment. I believe that my job as a supervisor there is already turning its way up and I couldn't be happier. But I guess it's one of those days when a banana was on the floor and I slipped on it...leading me to another destination. Things could just change just like that, and I didn't realize that my world is getting bigger.

It was about the same time last year when I was faced with the same situation. My friends would know what happened to that endeavor and now I'm still enjoying the fruits of my risks and hardwork. Now, I am yet in front of another challenge harder than the previous one. But still, I was very willing enough to take it in despite that uncertainty of its results. My energy is slowly being depleted as the days go by and I haven't gotten any progress. I, however, am not losing hope. I still won nonetheless, although not completely.

Going here in Cebu has been an ongoing idea of mine for almost a year and I believe that it would define my adulthood for some reason. I am finally on my way to realizing that dream. I guess I have realized that dream. The main reason why I went here in the first place is now in my reach but then the world is not always nodding a yes to what I do. Good intentions doesn't always mean agreeance.

This is a difficult, but not an impossible task. Right now, I'm just pressured because it will be only a matter of days until I get back to Manila, and I still got pending issues here. But one thing's for sure, my spirits are not dampened. I'm going to see this dream onto its completion. I have come. I have seen; and I will be conquering this challenge. I know I'm strong and I have all the motivation in the world to make this dream come true. I want to change the world right now so everything will be fine.

Sometimes I even surprise myself of the things I do. Stupid? I guess. But I have to go through this...so I can be happier.

What's Inside of Me (UPDATE)

In my second day here in Cebu I decided to put an end to my chest problem. Thank you for my HMO card being capable of being used nationwide so I got my consultation for free. So I got my chest examined through another ECG. Surprisingly, it is NOW normal and it was found out that I only have Costochondritis, an inflammation of the ribs. I am feeling better now after taking the drugs and can have peace of mind now.

Imagine, a check up that required more than 4 weeks to be determined Manila (even incorrectly) only took 50 minutes here in Cebu. I could die of panic in Manila. It's just one of the many reasons why I love Cebu now!

What's Inside of Me

At 23, I never thought that I'd be susceptible to an endless list of life-threatening health problems. I rarely get sick but when I do, I always end up in a hospital bed and leaving work for a couple of days - just like when I had a urinary problem 5 years ago and dengue 2 years back.

Now my anxiety attacks have skyrocketed to 1000% and my paranoia is at an all-time high. I shouldn't be getting any idle moments because having such would only cause me to think of rather unpleasant stuff about what I'm feeling.

I have been having issues with my chest and I'm growing really weary of it. I have made so much research on the Internet so that I can fully distinguish what type of condition I am having. I know that this isn't something heart related at least because most of the symptoms aren't saying so. It is just on the surface. I can still go to work regularly and do tasks without obvious difficulty. However, my mind won't rest with the things I learn everyday from search results I put on Google. I have avoided caffeine intake as well for it keeps me up at night like nobody's business; not to mention that drinking coffee triggers a feeling of panic that I can safely identify as paranoia. Again, having a major issue with my heart is something that I am simply fearful of.

My ECG results came out today and having to read words like "abnormal" and "unspecified" almost drove me nuts. I have to endure a few more days of misery since I have to wait for my doctor to interpret the results. This has been ongoing for 2 weeks already and I seem to be staying this way. For me, that's a good thing.

It is ironic that when I started going to the gym and stopped smoking, this happened. Lifestyles like the one related to my job could potentially be adverse to my health and I'm taking any available step to prevent it from occurring. I hope that this is only minor because even a drop of blood in my lips freaks me out big-time!

Sigh...