Harold is too far away from me, but it's strange that I have talked about a very important topic with him. I tried to blog a couple of times what has been going on my mind. The conversation I had with Harold pretty much summed up what I'm dying to blurt out. Read on...
Harold: so what's up with you?
Pao: oh well
Pao: conflicts and confusion
H: with what?
P: conflict of interest
P: and confusion with decisions
P: anyway
P: im done being scared
P: i hope
H: is this a problem with work?
P: no e
P: but its affecting
P: work
H: i see...
H: that's tough
P: im not good in separating work from personal issues tlaga
H: mahirap talaga minsan....
H: most especially if the personal issues are in the workplace.... hehe
P: well, they're not. but they're creeping their way in.
P: i'm sorry. I wish I could be able to tell you more about it.
P: It's really the least of your concerns naman.
P: I guess
H: you sure can... i'm all ears! but if you want to keep things more private... that's fine
P: It's not that I wanna keep things private
P: Baka lang you're not ready to advise. Nakakahiya
H: nakakahiya ba? try me! hehe...
H: but it's really up to you... i'm not pushing you or anything.... if you're really hesitant or something... i wouldn't mind.
P: Well I might be keeping you from doing your thing.
P: I'd really like to.
P: This is really embarassing to day but I cried the whole day yesterday.
H: for whatever for?
P: Yun nga: Conflicts and Confusion
P: Try to look at my status. *Religion is a hoax*
H: i see....
H: this sounds interesting.... tell me about the C&C...
P: It's not really interesting. But rather...really complicated.
P: I can't fathom why does it have to be a major issue.
H: so what's the issue?
P: Religious Beliefs and Relationships
P: Do they really mix?
P: Or should it really be brought up?
H: oh my... it IS complicated... hehe
P: Yeah I know.
H: i don't think there is right answer for your question....
H: it all depends on the people who are in the relationship
P: Hmmm...well I guess I think you're open minded enough
P: Here it goes.
H: alright
< cut >
H: why do you think it's an excuse?
P: Well one, there's always a way to make things work.
P: I'm still unsure if the truth is said.
P: It insulted me.
H: well, that's the harder part of it - when you're not getting the truth... or at least not knowing if you're getting the truth
P: Yeah, I want to know, and if I did find out it had something to do with me, then there's major trouble with the so-called Church
H: what do you think is the reason why?
P: I have no clue.
< cut >
P: In my book, I was a mistake, which I'm definitely not
H: hmm... i'm looking into the religion-excuse.... since it's all that that was told to you...
P: So you think it's just an excuse?
H: are you not, even to the slightest bit, convinced that it is a religion issue?
P: I'd like to believe that.
H: i'm thinking it might not have been an excuse at all...
P: But I find it strange that, when this happened, I became much closer to God. I kept on thanking Him for making me extremely happy. However, the other farther away from God. Tell me, do we have the same God?
H: because there really are some people who stick to their religion....
P: I wish what you're saying is true
P: So the status: Religion is a hoax. Faith is different.
H: honestly, i don't think you have the same god...
H: i like that.... religion is a hoax. faith is different
P: Yeah.
H: it's kinda like how i view life.... hehe
P: I just didn't like that feeling na, I'm a lesser being cos I don't have qualms about religion.
P: ...and it's a huge sin.
< cut >
P: The fear that I felt in the beginning has already gone. It has turned to anger.
P: You think it's unfair of the other party?
H: here's how i see it... if it's a huge sin... might be telling the truth....
H: yeah, i think it's unfair because of backing out....
P: I know. It's selfish - wants to make it convenient.
H: realization was too late
P: just go out and not commit. feels guilty that in a relationship but not prioritizing me or giving the affection I deserve.
P: Does it look like that by having to step back, I would care for less?
H: maybe
P: Of course I wouldn't. I'd care the same. Lame excuse man!
H: reading what you just said.... i now think that the religion thing might have been an excuse after all
H: or i guess it's how you see the situation to be
H: but if it's backing out, is there anything you can do to save the relationship?
H: or would you still want to save the relationship...?
P: I don't know. I never complained about anything. doesn't want the relationship but wants us to be together. Some set-up.
H: what the.....
H: how does one plan to make that work?
P: Now I think it's clear that it's selfish
P: trying to get out of guilt.
P: If it's only religion, then we'd all be damned.
P: I go to church and I'm a good Christian, IMO.
P: But this is the life I'm given, and I'm doing my best.
H: good for you! i think that's how everybody should live life...
H: do you think it's not (only) religion that you're both having trouble with but with society as well?
P: It's with society as well, forgot to mention that.
< cut >
P: I, too have problems with it. But not the same as the other.
P: If we forever cling to the dictates of society, we don't deserve to live like humans.
H: yep... but it seems that in this world, to be human is to follow what society says....
P: Sad.
< cut >
P: Nakakainis lang that if it's me that is reason, why put God in the middle of it.
H: are you mad because you want to get back together.. or are you mad because it might be something made up?
P: the latter.
P: For me it showed being superficial.
H: lemme see.... so you just want to know the truth, and you're fine living your separate lives..... ?
P: Not exactly. I want to made it known that it's ok.
P: I'm not making demands.
H: i see... pardon me but what i'm still not getting is... do you still want to be together?
P: yes of course
P: i do care for the two of us genuinely
P: like i said, there's always a way to make things work.
< cut >
P: But if it turns out to be a lie, then I'm ready to move on. I'm not gonna waste my time.
H: now i get your point...
P: That's the society part.
H: i guess all you need to know now is the truth.....
P: Yeah.
P: I'd take it.
H: and if the church thing is all that comes out....
P: Whatever it is, just don't make up crap as we go along.
H: i guess that would be the end of it...
P: Well, it's the other's issue now.
H: yep
I'm happy I had this conversation with him. It made me feel a little better.
